My Ex-Stepmother Died and I Don't Know How To Feel

I just learned that my old stepmother passed away a couple of days ago.  And it's not settling well with me.  I always thought that when she died that I would feel relief....or it would be somewhat cathartic. It's not.  It's very confusing.  Conflicting.  And, to my disbelief, somewhat sad.  Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not a cold person.  I'm a survivor of a difficult divorce and two re-married parents.  Which means I had two stepparents. One was cold, mean and, well, just mean.  The other was indifferent.  My stepmother was the cold and mean one.  And one could easily surmise all the reasons and excuses for her behavior towards us, but in the end it was inexcusable.  Hurtful.  Damaging.  And sometimes, most of the time, unforgiveable. 

To forgive someone is an enormous undertaking emotionally.  It requires acceptance, understanding and the ability to almost forget or let it go.  I thought I had achieved this undertaking with my ex-stepmother, but apparently not.  I had always hoped, which is a dangerous word, that she would apologize or try to make amends for her wrongful behavior.  I had longed for that day when she would tell me why she was so mean to me.  Why she was abusive and cruel.  I wasn't a bad kid.  No different than any other child.  I played, got dirty, yelled and screamed, and sometimes I forgot to do something that I was told to do.  One time I uttered the shameful words, "Oh my God!"  And I paid a hefty price for that sin.  My stepmother washed my mouth out with soap.  Ivory soap, to be exact.  I have never used Ivory soap since then.  And when she washed out my mouth, and she did so with such vigor and purpose, she never clearly explained in a calm way why I was being punished.  I didn't cuss or use vulgar language.  I wasn't sarcastic or disrespectful towards her.  I just said "Oh my God".  Then I said it again, and not on purpose, and she washed out my mouth again.   Her abuse was relentless.

Often when some people die it's so easy to forgive them, and forget, their wrong doings, hurtful words and emotional and physical abuse.  This time I'm not one of those people.  I want to be, but there's too much baggage to muddle through, too much pain. Maybe it's time to finally, once and for all, close this chapter of my life. I thought I had made peace with it when I became a stepmother.  I had vowed that if I became a stepparent that I would not treat my stepkids the same way I was treated.  Never!  And I haven't. In a way, I am continually trying to undo what she did.

It's not always easy to forgive those who have truly hurt us.  It's been over 30 years since I've been subjected to my stepmother's abuse, but the scars are still tender.  But I now know that it wasn't me that caused her to be so abusive.  It was her, all her.  I may never understand why, but I can finally close this chapter.