In the four years that I've been a stepmother, I have encountered and dealt with numerous challenges where I've been forced to disrobe my selfish needs and think of my stepkids needs, and their father's needs. It's been a difficult road to maneuver and the challenges keep coming.
My stepson, Kendrick, is 15 years old and full of attitude. I suppose in some ways he's a typical teenager, but in other ways, I think it runs deeper than that. He lives with his mother and he's miserable. He even told her so, but in her selfish blind fury, she demanded an apology from him for his honesty, rather than addressing the problem and apologizing to him. Without going into endless details of his homelife, Kendrick lives in a toxic environment. Not in a chemically ridden environment of substances that would eat your skin and choke you, but an emotionally toxic environment. It's a home filled with anger, endless bouts of screaming, criticism, pessimism and selfish acts of cruelty. I suppose there are good times, too, but if you met Kendrick, and his family, you'd see a depressed young man. I don't even think he realizes how depressed he is. It's difficult to hear the stories of his homelife, as we're pretty much helpless to them. The worst part of the situation is that Kendrick lives out of state, 120 miles away. This has been a difficult aspect of my husband's life, but one he can't change.
Six years ago my husband accepted a job out of state. He had been out of work, or underemployed, for over three years when this wonderful opportunity knocked on his door. Unfortunately, his wife (now ex-wife) didn't want to move out of state. That pretty much pounded in the last nail into the coffin of their failing marriage.
In the last six months my husband, Brad, has been feeding ideas into his son's head about moving in with us. I've been supporting his mission, too. I know if it happens it will be my greatest challenge as a stepmother, but to not support it would go against my values. We both know that Kendrick would be much happier living with us, once he adjusted to living in Packerland. Brad will listen to Kendrick's upsets and stories, and he'll remind him that he has options. Kendrick tells him that he does think about moving up here, but he doesn't say what's holding him back. We understand it's a huge decision on his part, but I know his emotionally immature mind can't grasp the whole situation as we see it. It's frustrating to see a young man like Kendrick be so depressed and unhappy. And Brad could take it to the courts and fight to get custody of his son, but aside from the astronomical legal costs, Brad fears it could backfire and make things worse. It truly is a delicate situation.
As a stepmother, this is one of the most difficult times a stepmother can encounter. I am helpless. I can only support my husband and his efforts with his son. But when I see his head hanging low and sadness looms around him, it causes my heart to break. He's struggled with his position as a father; living out of state from his kids and not being included enough in their lives. So often I want to talk to my stepson, but I fear it will fall on deaf ears. Most likely, he won't move in with us. His life will continue as it has; miserable.
I, too, was a stepchild, and somehow survived the wrath of divorce. But, unlike my stepson, I lived with the good parent. I shudder at the thought of having grown up with my father and his cruel wife, my stepmother. I would hate to think how I would've turned out had they had the opportunity to dig their values into my mind. I probably would see this situation through different eyes, and I probably wouldn't be married to this wonderful man.
