Stepmothers: It's Not Nice to Be Mean

One of the many challenges a stepmother may face is refraining from knocking the kids' biological mother.  As a stepmother, you are in a special club.  You are on the inside of seeing how some kids are raised, and the conflicts that arise as a result.  Often times you just want to let go and tell these poor kids what a horrible and inept mother they really have, but you can't say that.  And you shouldn't say that.  Sometimes the biological mother is a great mother, but the divorced parents can't seem to place their anger aside and work together despite their differences.  It's a difficult situation for everyone.  Stepmothers have sore tongues from biting them so much!

Don't get me wrong.  Not every mother in the world is a lousy mother, but there are enough of them out there.  And if you are the unfortunate stepmother that has to deal with such a person, you have to learn restraint.  So often, you want to tell these poor kids that they're mother is a bad person; a liar, two-faced, mean, irresponsible, and just plain incompetent.  After all, they should know.  Right?  Wrong.  The worst thing a stepmother could do, and even the biological father, is to knock or speak badly of the children's mother in front of them or to them.  Why, you ask?  Because the kids will hate you more for it, than their mother.  If anything, it will draw them closer to their mother and further from you and your husband, their father.  We have to remember that the children are a product, if you will, of their mother and father.  When we insult one of the parents, we're also insulting the kids.  And as we all know, no one can insult someone's family.  No one.  No outsiders are allowed to ridicule our loved ones.  Only we can do that.  And children will hate you if you insult or belittle their mothers.  They will.  I did. 

I was a stepchild all through my childhood.  My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my father remarried first when I was seven.  At first she seemed to be so nice and kind.  That all changed once she had the gold band on her finger.  My father and stepmother continually belittled my mother in front of me and to me, and I hated them for it.  I'm talking about a deep seething and loathing hatred of these two people.  And if memory serves, my mother did refrain from knocking my father.  Even though she would've been justified in doing so.  She figured that my brother and I would learn about who our father was on our own and in our own time.  We did.

When I became a stepmother I vowed that no matter the circumstances I would not belittle, insult or knock my stepchildren's mother in their presence.  And I told my husband to do the same.  We did.  Kids have enough to deal with when their parents divorce, they sure don't need a mean stepmother.  There's enough meanness in the world, so don't be mean to your stepchildren.

Stepmotherhood and its ongoing challenges

It's been a couple of years since I last posted on this blog.  I guess I've been too busy with the neverending challenges of being a stepmother.

Yes, my stepkids still like me and our relationship has grown and matured, but not without a lot of tears, screaming and patience.  There's that word again.  Patience.  Brad and I have been married for over three years now.  And quite happily might I add.  I've talked to him numerous times about my challenges with his kids, and he's shared his challenges with me.  I've learned how important it is to talk to him.  Even if I have to tell him something that I know may upset him or hurt him, but that was never the intention.  Honesty is the intention.  He understands me, and I him. 

His daughter is now 18 and we hardly see her anymore.  But she just got her first car, so she may come up to see us now.  We live over a 100 miles from his kids, so it's not a quick drive for anyone.  Even though I had a breakthrough with his daughter a few years ago, it didn't go without more challenges.  She would have fits of rage and loudly express how she hated me or why couldn't her father and mother work it out.  She blamed me for ending that possibility, but that possibility never existed.  Brad assured me that he would never return to his ex-wife.  As time went by, his daughter came to realize that her parents' divorce was the best thing.  She started to view her mother through different eyes and longed for the day when she could move out.  Patience.  All Brad and I needed to do was to practice patience.

Communication.  This is key and has been for us.  No matter what you're feeling, talk it out.  Make your husband understand what you're feeling, and then he can help you and support you.  Tell him when the kids hurt your feelings or are disrespectful.  Tell him when you feel overwhelmed.  Tell him.  Just tell him what you're feeling and ask him to tell you what he's feeling, and somewhere down the line you'll meet in the middle and work it out.