Stepmothers: It's Not Nice to Be Mean

One of the many challenges a stepmother may face is refraining from knocking the kids' biological mother.  As a stepmother, you are in a special club.  You are on the inside of seeing how some kids are raised, and the conflicts that arise as a result.  Often times you just want to let go and tell these poor kids what a horrible and inept mother they really have, but you can't say that.  And you shouldn't say that.  Sometimes the biological mother is a great mother, but the divorced parents can't seem to place their anger aside and work together despite their differences.  It's a difficult situation for everyone.  Stepmothers have sore tongues from biting them so much!

Don't get me wrong.  Not every mother in the world is a lousy mother, but there are enough of them out there.  And if you are the unfortunate stepmother that has to deal with such a person, you have to learn restraint.  So often, you want to tell these poor kids that they're mother is a bad person; a liar, two-faced, mean, irresponsible, and just plain incompetent.  After all, they should know.  Right?  Wrong.  The worst thing a stepmother could do, and even the biological father, is to knock or speak badly of the children's mother in front of them or to them.  Why, you ask?  Because the kids will hate you more for it, than their mother.  If anything, it will draw them closer to their mother and further from you and your husband, their father.  We have to remember that the children are a product, if you will, of their mother and father.  When we insult one of the parents, we're also insulting the kids.  And as we all know, no one can insult someone's family.  No one.  No outsiders are allowed to ridicule our loved ones.  Only we can do that.  And children will hate you if you insult or belittle their mothers.  They will.  I did. 

I was a stepchild all through my childhood.  My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my father remarried first when I was seven.  At first she seemed to be so nice and kind.  That all changed once she had the gold band on her finger.  My father and stepmother continually belittled my mother in front of me and to me, and I hated them for it.  I'm talking about a deep seething and loathing hatred of these two people.  And if memory serves, my mother did refrain from knocking my father.  Even though she would've been justified in doing so.  She figured that my brother and I would learn about who our father was on our own and in our own time.  We did.

When I became a stepmother I vowed that no matter the circumstances I would not belittle, insult or knock my stepchildren's mother in their presence.  And I told my husband to do the same.  We did.  Kids have enough to deal with when their parents divorce, they sure don't need a mean stepmother.  There's enough meanness in the world, so don't be mean to your stepchildren.