I'm Really Over It

As I mentioned in a previous blog, my ex-stepmother died.  I discussed how I was having a difficult time dealing with it, or so I thought. Well, it was only a few days, maybe a week, where I felt depressed, angry and emotionally stripped. My brother and I had several discussions about her and our father. And in my brother's usual fashion, he was able to help me to understand these difficult people. It wasn't a matter of right and wrong, it just was. In these people's minds, they were NOT committing any harmful acts against these children. They were just being parents, and disciplinarians at that. Well, not even disciplinarians. It's difficult to define what they were doing, but in their minds they were being parents.

I explained to my brother that one of the things that I held against our stepmother was the fact that she never apologized for her actions. Let me clarify. She underwent the 12 step program of AA. She was an alcoholic. One day while visiting my grandmother, my stepmother's mother-in-law, I came across a letter from my stepmonster to my grandmother, and like an curious teenager, I felt compelled to read it. In it she apologized to my grandmother for any wrong-doing she had done against her, as this is one of the 12 steps of the program. But, if memory serves, she never did anything wrong against my grandmother. I was offended and even felt betrayed or very small and insignificant. And hurt. She visited my grandmother once or twice a year, but she was subjected to my brother and me every other weekend until my father moved out of state, then it was more like holidays and summer vacations. My brother helped me to better understand this. He explained that she obviously didn't recognize her actions against us as being wrong or abusive. But? No. No buts. She didn't see what we saw, or experienced. In her mind, no matter how clouded or dimented, she was doing what a good mother, or stepmother, would do. Huh. It made sense. And the last thing I want to do sometimes is give my brother credit for being right about some things. Just a little sibling rivalry, mind you. But he was right. And no, he's not saying that we should excuse her actions, but it doesn't hurt to better understand them. He also said that he strongly felt that some of her actions were probably also out of anger towards our father and mother. She was very much in love with our father, but his heart was else where. It was a complicated situation, or maybe more like twisted.

I get it now. I don't like it. But I get it. After years of counseling, rivers of tears, and some displaced anger, I've finally come to a better place. It's been a long journey. However.  I still don't speak to my father. But that's another story. The best way to sum up that situation, my father has made bad choices and I chose to no longer be a victim of his choices.

In a more normal situation, counseling would be tremendously helpful for all parties involved in a divorce. But in those days, the early 70s, there was no such thing. You just got through it. Somehow. And when you remarry, and you have children from a previous marriage, think about them and include them. And again, more counseling. As an experienced stepchild, I understand what children are feeling when their parents divorce and remarry. And remarry again and again. Children are helpless to their parents' choices, but they shouldn't become victims of their choices.